How to start a conversation about care
Discussing the topic of care with your loved one can be a daunting process for both of you.
Whether you’re a caregiver for your partner, parent or friend and you’re finding it difficult to support them on top of your other commitments, or your loved one is becoming increasingly frail and you’re worried for their safety at home on their own, it might be time to consider the different care options that are available. That way, you have peace of mind that your loved one has the help they need so you can continue to enjoy your time together as a family.
But where do you start? How do you begin the conversation? And what do you do if your opinions clash or your loved one doesn’t even want to consider care as an option?
1. Preparing for the conversation
There are a number of things to think about when approaching the discussion of care.
Approaching the topic of care can be unnerving for all involved, but the most important thing to remember is to have open channels of communication. From the very beginning of the conversation, try to make it clear that it is a two-way discussion and you only have their best interests at heart. It’s important to ensure your loved one knows that any support or care is completely their decision, and you are simply informing them of the options that are available because you care about their well-being and you only want the best for them.
Here are some things to consider when planning the conversation:
What are the pros and cons of care?
In every decision we make in life there are positives and negatives. If your loved one isn’t warming to the idea of care, you may find it challenging to help them focus on the benefits it can bring. Being informed about the care options available allows you to identify potential challenges and help your loved one to overcome them.
Choose the right time and place
It’s important to plan the timing of your conversation so your loved one is more likely to be receptive and cooperative. Find a time when you’ll be able to discuss their concerns without feeling rushed and are both in the right frame of mind. Allow as much time as possible for you both to express your views and discuss the options available.
Reach out for advice
If you’re unsure about approaching the topic of care, don’t be afraid to reach out for advice. You may find comfort in confiding in a family member or a close friend who may have had a similar experience. They may even be willing to talk through some possible scenarios with you to help you prepare for any eventuality of the conversation.
Plan your opening line
As one of the closest people to them, you’ll be one of the first people to notice if your loved one is starting to find difficulties in tasks they used to find straightforward. You could start that conversation by gently asking how they are coping in that area. Try not to dive straight into the conversation with opinions or instant solutions.
2. Raising the subject
When the time comes to approach the subject of additional help and support for your loved one, it can often be an upsetting and difficult time for both of you. Planning for the conversation in advance gives you the opportunity to have all the information and resources available to you should your loved one ask for them.
Perhaps the most important things to remember are to ensure that you remain calm throughout the conversation and involve your loved one as much as possible, but there are also a number of other things to consider throughout the discussion too. Try to remain impartial at this stage to reassure them that the decision is in their hands, and you are only here to help.
Tone of voice
When it comes to a sensitive discussion with your loved one, it’s not just about the words you choose, but also how you say them. Try to use a gentle and encouraging tone in your discussion and take the time to explain your reasons why you feel that having some extra support might be something worth looking into.
Listen to them
Maintain eye contact and keep your body language relaxed to show your loved one that you’re listening to them. If they are finding the conversation difficult, allow them to speak for as long as they need to and pay close attention to what they’re saying. You can use your previous research to advise them of the options available to them.
Take the ‘care’ away
Finding the right words can be difficult, especially if your loved one is resistant to the idea of care. Instead of using the words ‘care’ and ‘carer’, try using words like ‘support’ and ‘personal assistant’. Your loved one may be more open to the idea of help if they feel they’re just having ‘some help around the house’ instead of being ‘cared for’.
Give them reassurance and time
Reassure your loved one that a carer will let them do more of the things they love, so they can keep their independence rather than worrying about the small things. If your loved one gets upset or is unsure that they’re ready to accept care, you may want to postpone the conversation to give them time to think things through.
3. Following up
After talking to your loved one, there are several approaches you can take.
It’s likely that your conversation about care will not just be a one-time discussion, but you will probably find that you have lots of little conversations over time. Talking about care is a very complex and emotional time for both of you, but if you involve your loved one in every step of the process, they may feel more in control of the situation and subsequently feel more comfortable and open to the idea of extra support.
Have patience
Patience is key, especially if your loved one is living with a progressive condition such as dementia. Making a decision around care can take weeks, months or even a year or two, but it allows you to guide your loved one and deal with every situation as it comes up, helping them to talk about care at a pace they’re comfortable with.
Bring support in gradually
Short visits from a carer, personal assistant or support worker once or twice a week are a really effective way to help your loved one get used to the idea of having some extra support without becoming overwhelmed by a drastic change of lifestyle. Care visits with Helping Hands start from as little as 30 minutes per week.
Offer temporary support
If your loved one is considering care but they’re not sure how much help they want, having support on a short-term basis can help them gauge the right level of care. Also, if you’re due to go away and you’re concerned about your loved one being left alone, respite care on a live-in or visiting basis provides a bit of extra support at home.
Identify areas where they need help
You may have noticed that there is an element of daily living that your loved one is finding more difficult or doesn’t enjoy doing as much, such as preparing their meals or sorting the laundry. In this instance, what amount of care can you arrange to help them appreciate how they might benefit from additional support?
Overcoming challenges: Not accepting their condition
It can be difficult for someone to accept the changes that they are facing in their lives, because acceptance makes it real.
Possible solution:
First and foremost, have patience. Understanding the changes that they are going through can be difficult for your loved one to come to terms with. Empathise with them and reassure them that you are here to help them find the right support so that they can carry on as they were, just with a little help along the way.
Overcoming challenges: Refusing to talk
A loved one refusing to talk about care needs could be a result of not adjusting to the reality that you are now looking after them.
Possible solution:
If your loved one doesn’t want to talk to you about their care or if you feel that you’re not the right person to have this conversation with them – it’s okay, it doesn’t mean you can’t help them. Gently ask them if there’s someone you can help them reach out to or consider asking for professional advice from someone who deals with these situations on a regular basis, such as a GP.
Overcoming challenges: Insisting they can manage
If your loved one is fiercely independent, accepting the need for extra support will, understandably, be very difficult for them.
Possible solution:
Ask your loved one if there is anything they’re finding more difficult than usual, or use examples of situations that you’ve noticed where they may benefit from some additional support. For example, if you’ve noticed that their home isn’t as clean as usual, advise them that there are services available to help them around the house.
Overcoming challenges: Reacting angrily
If your loved one is reacting angrily to the conversation or they are becoming confused, this could be early signs of dementia.
Possible solution:
Patience is paramount. If your loved one is experiencing the early stages of dementia it will be a very difficult and confusing time for them. Reassure them that you are here for them and gently encourage them to see a GP – just to check that everything’s okay.
How we can help with difficult conversations
We understand it’s not easy for you or your loved one to have these conversations. That’s why we’re here to help, every step of your care journey.
We know that accepting the need for care is a big decision for all involved and it can often take time to come to an agreement that everyone is happy with. It’s important to remember that unless there is immediate risk, everybody has the right to live their life how they choose. No matter how much we care about someone, if they decide they’re not ready for care, it’s important to stand by them in that decision. When the time is right for care, we’re here to ensure it’s introduced at the right pace and in a way that suits your loved one’s lifestyle and wishes.
Our person-centred care includes:
Over 30 years of experience
For over 30 years, we’ve helped thousands of families across England and Wales to have conversations with their loved ones
Family values
Built on a foundation of family values, we understand the importance of finding the right support for your loved one
Support for all needs
Whether your loved one’s needs are straightforward or complex, our carers can help provide the right level of support
We take care of your carer
It takes a special combination of patience, empathy and compassion to be a Helping Hands carer.
That’s why we’re extremely proud of our exceptional people and why we’re trusted by so many families to provide care and companionship to those who need support, across the country.
We make sure we continue to support our people after the join us, so they can deliver at their best for you, the customer. In 2024, we were recognised by the Financial Times as a Top 500 employer.
We directly employ all our carers
Every Helping Hands carer is directly employed by us, meaning everyone receives holiday pay, annual leave and pension contributions.
A supportive culture
We ensure our carers have access to dedicated managers and the help and support they need to carry out their role.
Comprehensive training and ongoing development
Our comprehensive training ensures our carers are fully ready to provide a wide range of support to customers from day one while our professional development programme ensure our carers can continue to develop their skills and access opportunities.
Reward and recognition
Our carer Reward and Recognition Programme – Moments of Kindness – celebrates the impact of small gestures and the actions of carers who go the extra mile to create joy, raise a smile, or offer reassurance or a sense of calm. Winners receive shopping vouchers and are featured in our magazine, Voices.
A fully regulated home care provider
Here at Helping Hands, our service is regulated by the Care Quality Commission (CQC) and the Care Inspectorate Wales (CIW)
This means we need to consistently meet high standards and are monitored by our regulators.
