When Siblings Disagree About a Parent's Care: A Practical Guide
Why siblings often disagree about care
Siblings often disagree about care due to the circumstances of their loved one’s needs, the potential costs involved, and the distance they live from their parent. They may disagree because some of the siblings feel that another who lives closer to the parent should take the majority of the responsibility, or even have the parent move into their home. This can cause resentment and bad feeling between siblings, and the risk of losing sight of what’s best for the person who requires care.
Helping Hands can eliminate all of that stress by providing visiting or live-in care in the person’s own home. If they wish to continue living in familiar surroundings then care at home means the best outcome for everyone.
Common areas of disagreement
When a parent needs additional support, it causes emotions to come into play too, and guilt can make people react in ways they wouldn’t normally.
Whether a parent needs help at all
Siblings may disagree about a parent’s care because they’re in denial about the help they need. Not wanting to face up to a parent’s frailties is understandable, after all they used to be the ones who looked after us. This change in dependence can be hard for some grown-up children to face, which can then lead to delays in seeking the care they may urgently need.
The type of care to arrange
Some siblings may feel that care at home is best while others consider a care home the only viable option. Ultimately though, the type of care arranged has to be what’s in the best interests of the person needing support. Talking to care providers and finding out how costs differ, as well as reading reviews such as on Trustpilot, means you get a better idea.
Sharing the workload
In a world where families frequently live far from each other, it can be difficult to equally share the workload of a parent’s care, leading to resentment. It’s important to keep communicating over splitting tasks, for instance, someone living further away who can’t deliver everyday support could take responsibility for researching and calling care providers.
Money and paying for care
It’s obvious that everyone wants the very best care available for their parents, however it’s understandable that affordability has to play a part. Some families decide to split care costs between siblings if the parent cannot afford it, but it’s important to request a care assessment from their local authority to see what help they could get with care costs too.
How to have a calmer, more productive conversation
Approaching the topic of care with the person and wider family members has to be done carefully. It’s important to validate the feelings of the person needing care and ensuring their wishes don’t get lost in discussions, especially if they can’t speak up for themselves. Some older people may prefer to speak to someone outside of the family about such an emotive topic, such as their GP or a friend, before broaching the subject with their children. They may also feel awkward discussing such personal things as care and finances with their children, especially if they’ve never usually enjoyed such open communication. Making sure that the conversations take place when all attendees are relaxed and not under time pressure, while giving everyone an opportunity to speak, may also help.
Putting your parent's wishes first
Regardless of siblings’ wishes around their parent’s care, the one thing that has to remain the priority at all times is the parent’s own wishes. If they are able to make their own decisions and communicate then they should always be encouraged to choose their own care package in the place they would prefer to live. They may have strong wishes to continue living in the house they shared with their partner for many years while raising their family, while other people will be happy to start a new chapter and relocate. It can also be difficult for adult children to accept that their childhood home will be sold, so it is a good idea to discuss such things before there’s an urgent need and so their parent can be an active part of the decision-making.
When to bring in outside support
If siblings are struggling to agree or existing tensions mean they cannot discuss the issues at all, an advocate from outside the family may be a better idea. This ensures that all opinions are heard but that the person needing care always remains at the forefront.
Involving a GP or social worker
If there is concern around a person’s ability to choose, perhaps because they are living with dementia and no longer have mental capacity, healthcare professionals will be involved to help choose the “least restrictive option” according to the Mental Capacity Act, to keep them safe. The MCA also states that the person’s preferences should be considered, even if they’ve lost capacity, which overrides sibling’s own preferences and ensures that the person is always kept at the centre of the process.
Using a family mediator
While family mediation is commonly employed to solve financial disputes for separating parents, mediation can also be considered if siblings cannot agree on what’s best for a parent’s care. The Family Mediation Council have a list of registered practitioners on their website. An advocate should also be considered if the person needs an independent person to speak on their behalf. If siblings cannot agree or refuse to take part, their local council may provide an advocate instead.
Sharing care responsibilities fairly
Understandably, it can be difficult for adult siblings to come to an agreement about what is considered fair. Location, existing responsibilities, and finances will all play a part in decision-making. For instance, it can be tempting for siblings to choose the option that works best for them and their life, rather than what’s in the best interests of their parent. While this can be difficult to overcome, it’s vital that the focus always remains on the parent, and if it is becoming difficult to agree, it would be better for an external advocate to become involved to ensure a fair and acceptable result for everyone.
How Helping Hands can ease the pressure on your family
Helping Hands have been supporting people to live well in their beloved homes since we were established in 1989, so it’s no surprise we’re considered experts in home care. We support thousands of people every day across England and Wales; people who wish to continue living in the place that means the world to them. Our knowledgeable and friendly care advisors will be able to explain every aspect of their care options, whether visiting or live-in care, respite or support in an emergency. Our visiting carers can call multiple times a day to ease pressure on family members, whereas a live-in carer resides in your parent’s home with them, giving you all reassurance that your parent is never left alone around the clock.
