Supporting a Parent After the Death of Their Partner
How losing a partner can affect an older parent
Grief affects everyone differently, so there are no right or wrong ways to support someone. “Some people need to talk openly and often, while others withdraw and take time to process privately” say Ben, a wellbeing charity. However, it can be especially difficult to comfort a parent over their loss if you are also dealing with your own grief for the person who has passed.
Grief in later life
Your parent’s grief will be affected by the relationship they had with their partner. If their relationship was a happy one then they will be deeply affected, whereas if they had lived mainly separate lives, they may be less so. Grief is an individual process though and there’s no predictable pattern for how they will react.
When the partner was also the carer
If they had been the person’s caregiver as well as their partner, then they will likely experience conflicting emotions. They may experience relief at first that their partner’s health challenges or pain are over. They then may be overwhelmed with guilt. Coping with the loss of a caring role as well as the person themselves can also cause conflicting emotions, “from relief at having some time to yourself, to guilt at feeling that way” say Carers UK.
If the person who has passed was the carer, then the person left behind may also experience worry about their future and how they are going to manage. They may require care at home moving forward or decide they’d prefer living in residential care.
Signs your parent may be struggling
If your parent is struggling, they may exhibit obvious physical signs of grief. These can include neglecting their basic needs, such as failing to maintain personal hygiene, nor eating, and wearing soiled clothes. They may experience fatigue, due to an inability to sleep, or they may sleep more than usual. They may also be unable to follow their usual routine, such as paying bills or keeping up with household chores. They may withdraw socially, avoiding calls and visits from family and friends or activities they previously enjoyed. Their personality may also seem to alter; they may appear angry, lost, and despairing. Cruise explains, “Life can feel like it no longer holds any meaning which can be very scary.”
Supporting your parent emotionally
How your parent reacts to attempts at comforting them will vary. At times they may withdraw into themselves and just wish to be alone, but if this continues indefinitely it can be concerning as they may be descending into depression. While their GP won’t be able to discuss their case with you (unless you have Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA), you can raise your concerns with them and ask the GP to investigate further. Being patient and not becoming frustrated if they don’t immediately respond is also important. Just sitting and listening, even if they just want to vent, may help.
Being there and listening
Sometimes just making time for them will be enough to help them out of their despair. As Ben says “Spend time together, even quietly. You don’t always need to talk, just being there can be comforting.” While talking about the person who has passed may lead to tears, it’s also a healthy outlet.
Anniversaries and difficult dates
It’s also important not to pretend that the person who’s passed never existed. “Acknowledge important dates” says Ben. “Anniversaries, birthdays, or special occasions can be particularly hard. Remembering them shows your parent that their loss matters to you too.”
Bereavement support services
There are many organisations who can help with grief. The Good Grief Trust which is run by bereaved people for bereaved people, and Cruse Bereavement Support can offer a listening ear and signpost you to resources closer to home. You can also talk to your GP or local healthcare team for advice.
Practical help in the weeks and months after a loss
If your partner was also your carer then your physical wellbeing in the immediate aftermath of their passing is a priority. Having some care at home, perhaps a regular visit to begin with, will ensure you are taken care of, without all of the responsibility falling onto your loved ones’ shoulders.
Finances, bills and other essential paperwork
If the person who has passed used to take care of all the household paperwork, then it can be difficult for the person who is left to take it on. Loved ones may be able to help in the short-term, however it’s important that the person understands what payments are due when. If it becomes too much for them then a financial Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA) may need to be applied for.
Household tasks their partner used to handle
Other practical tasks that their partner used to handle may also need to be taken over. Older people may have always observed tasks specific to their role throughout their relationship, such as the woman undertaking the cooking and housework, and the man undertaking gardening, home maintenance and refuse. Therefore, the surviving partner may feel unable to take these over.
Medication, appointments and getting around
If their partner was always the person who drove them to appointments, fetched their medication or took them shopping, alternative arrangements will have to be put in place. Perhaps hospital transportation can be arranged, or local services such as Dial a Ride or taxis could be utilised. Shopping deliveries could also be arranged to prevent them relying on loved ones for groceries.
Loneliness after losing a partner
Loneliness is a real concern for older people generally, however after the loss of a partner they can be at real risk of isolation. Overcoming loneliness can be achieved by arranging care with Helping Hands, on either a visiting or live-in care basis. If family members live some distance away there will come a time after a bereavement that they will have to return to their own routine, such as going back to work full-time. This can mean that the remaining parent is left with an empty house and hours of quiet stretching ahead of them. Having care at home, even on an occasional visiting basis at first, means that practical tasks get undertaken, while emotional support is a friendly face at the front door.
When to consider care at home
Care at home from Helping Hands isn’t just there for the practical tasks at home. While our carers can support you with housework, preparing meals and laundry for instance, they can also help with putting out the bins and light gardening.
Signs extra support could help
If you notice that a parent isn’t looking after themselves properly, maybe because they’re wearing soiled clothes, lacking personal hygiene, or losing weight, it may be time to consider care at home. This will ensure that they are supported at crucial times of the day on both a practical and emotional level.
How to talk to your parent about care
Your parent may be resistant to the idea of care at home. If they lived with their partner independently for many years they may wish to continue doing the same after their passing. If they are resistant to the idea it should be approached patiently and calmly, as soon as it becomes obvious that care is required.
Helping Hands companionship and care for when your parent needs it most
One of the most beneficial things about having care at home is that you receive one-to-one support personalised to you. This is something that care homes cannot provide due to the ratio of residents to staff. Because our carers come to you at home you get to continue living in the place that meant the world to you and your partner, surrounded by comforting views and familiar décor. Our visiting care service is a good way to build up your care slowly, from an hour or two at a time, up to several visits a day or even overnight. If you would prefer to have companionship around the clock then a carer can live in your home with you. They’ll be there for practical help but also around the clock emotional support, meaning that you’ll never be alone or at risk of isolation. And because all of our care is fully regulated by the Care Quality Commission and the Care Inspectorate Wales, you and your loved ones will be reassured by our exceptional standards.
Companionship care FAQs
Grief can affect an elderly parent the same as it would anyone. While a range of emotions will be present after the passing of a loved one, such as despondency and anger, they may also feel a sense of relief that their suffering is over, especially if they’ve been living with a serious condition, which in turn may lead to guilt.
Loved ones can help by being present with the person, making sure that they have an opportunity to talk if they wish to. Even if they don’t, having someone in their home with them will reduce the likelihood of isolation, and give them some comfort.
Yes, care at home is very suitable for bereaved people. This is because they will get the support they require, whether on a practical or emotional level, while continuing to live in the home that they shared with the partner they’re mourning.
If you notice that a parent is not looking after themselves properly, perhaps because their personal hygiene is lacking or they’re losing or gaining weight excessively, they may need care at home. Speak to Helping Hands about receiving care on either a visiting or live-in care basis, designed exactly to their requirements.