Supporting a parent through their first Christmas after losing a partner
Planning Christmas together
While Christmas is a time of joy for some, for others it is a reminder of loved ones lost, whether that person passed at Christmas itself or a different time of year. Significant milestones can be difficult after a bereavement, such as a first birthday, anniversary, or Christmas without them, so communication is key to getting it right for everyone.
Asking how they want to spend the day
Simply talking to your parent about their wishes can make sure they spend the day the way they wish. They may be hoping for a quiet, contemplative Christmas where they can lose themselves in memories of happier times, or perhaps they would relish the hustle and bustle of a busy Christmas surrounded by family to keep their mind occupied.
Deciding where to spend Christmas
Well-meaning adult children may decide to whisk their parent to their house for Christmas, feeling that they cannot be alone on such an important milestone. However, their parent may feel that a noisy family Christmas may be wrong for them at that moment, so it’s important to listen to all points of view and decide accordingly.
Keeping, changing or creating traditions
Tradition should be what you want it to be. If you’ve always celebrated Christmas in a way that’s personal to you as a family, then you should decide whether you continue that tradition or do something different now that your partner has passed. Chat to the rest of the family and take their opinions onboard, but ultimately the choice should be yours.
Remembering their partner on the day
You may wish to structure the day around talking about your partner and the life you shared together, but if some family members have different recollections, or had a more difficult relationship with them, be prepared that they may not wish to do the same.
Handling cards, gifts and decorations
Whether you give or wish to receive gifts is personal to you, as is putting up a tree or displaying decorations. Not everyone sees Christmas as a celebration, and if you’re still grieving it may be the last thing you feel like doing, so explain this to family and friends.
Getting through Christmas Day
Christmas Day is built up to such an extent these days that if it’s not perfect, people can feel disappointed. Equally though, it’s your choice as to whether you wish to pass the day like any other, or whether you feel like making it something more special. It has to be your decision, but maybe you could come to a compromise? Just spending part of the day together for instance or getting together on Boxing Day instead.
Giving them space when they need it
If someone is still grieving for a much-loved partner, it’s likely that they will need some time to themselves and some peace and quiet, even if they’ve agreed to attend a family Christmas. Setting a room aside as a ‘quiet room’, where children, music, and noisy toys won’t enter, will benefit everyone and keep tensions low.
Having a plan if the day feels too much
Having a ‘plan B’ is a good idea in any circumstance, but especially if there’s a highly emotive situation where one party isn’t sure they won’t to do what others wish them to. Asking loved ones to keep arrangements lose and flexible means that everyone gets to do what they wish, and nobody feels obliged or guilty.
Supporting them between Christmas and New Year
The post-Christmas period can be difficult for many people, as the hustle and bustle of planning the festivities is over and the world goes quieter once again. Family may also have visited over Christmas, but suddenly the house is quiet again and the risk of loneliness is very real for someone bereaved.
Company on the days family can’t be there
When family have gone back to their own homes and life returns to normal after the holidays, your surroundings can suddenly seem very empty. Having a Helping Hands carer coming to your home for practical help and emotional companionship may be all it takes to prevent you spiralling into social isolation.
Help preparing for visitors and the day itself
If your parent has agreed to host Christmas, perhaps because they don’t want to feel they’re ‘letting anyone down’, ask them how you can help. You might be able to prepare some of the food in advance, or purchase ready-made items so that the workload on the day is reduced. Everyone can help in some way.
Support continuing into the New Year period
January is a difficult month for many people, especially after the noise and lights of the lead up to Christmas. The ‘January Blues’ is recognised as a very real phenomena, and ‘Blue Monday’, on the third Monday of the month, considered the day people find most depressing. Keeping in regular touch is crucial to ensure emotional wellbeing.
Being there this Christmas with Helping Hands
Helping Hands support people across England and Wales to ensure that no-one has to struggle alone at home. We help people to continue living independently, with carers visiting regularly, or living in around the clock. All of our visiting care and live-in care is delivered by compassionate, knowledgeable care staff, and fully regulated by the Care Quality Commission and Care Inspectorate Wales. We’ve been helping people live well in the homes and communities they love since we were established in 1989, so it’s no surprise we’re one of the UK’s most trusted home care providers. If your parent is mourning the loss of their partner and you’re also struggling, it’s also important that you prioritise your own wellbeing too. Having a carer visiting them regularly, or living in, will reassure you that they’re in the very best hands, even when you can’t be there.
Frequently Asked Questions
Grief affects a parent the same as it would anybody, although if they and their partner had been together many years, they may struggle with additional feelings of helplessness and loss. They may also feel anger and despondency and anxiety about how they’ll manage moving forward. Grief can also cause guilt, even when the person has nothing to admonish themselves about.
It’s often beneficial to talk about the person who has passed, if that’s what everyone is comfortable doing. Raise the question before the day, as perhaps they would prefer to focus on the grandchildren, for instance, rather than become emotional in front of everyone. All families are different, and some are very open about how they’re feeling, whereas others prefer to wait until they’re alone to allow emotions to surface.
Discussing the reasons why they want to spend Christmas alone is important. If it’s genuinely because they wish to spend the day quietly, giving themselves space to focus on memories in their own home, then family members will have to accept that’s how they feel. If, however, loved ones think that their parent is shutting themselves away and not dealing well with their grief, then they may wish to tactically intervene. If they see that their parent is neglecting their wellbeing or spiralling into depression, they may wish to come together with siblings and try to encourage them to attend, or all go to their home. Concerns can also be raised with their GP if necessary.
Christmas is a time when families get together, often after a long period of separation. This can mean that adult children notice signs of a parent’s care needs changing. Perhaps their personal hygiene has diminished, they’ve gained or lost weight, or the house itself isn’t as tidy as they used to keep it. We can offer help from just an hour a week or so, meaning they can some support without feeling their home is no longer their own.
Because Helping Hands offer both visiting and live-in care options, for short-term respite or longer-term planning, we can provide a comprehensive care package and personalised support plan. We have 155 branches across England and Wales, each with a dedicated branch team who are ready to support you in any way they can. We help people’s physical and emotional wellbeing and enable them to continue living in the home they love, the home they may have spent many happy years in with their precious partner.